My Father's Romantic Comedy Is Not What I Had Expected
by WaffaGuy
Summary: One-shot Crack. Auntie Akane was just a close friend of Hachiman's father. So why is she staying at the Hikigaya household, and why does her daughter sometimes call his father dad by accident? Hachiman confronts his father about it.


**Mr. Hikigaya's Romantic Comedy Was Not As I Had Expected**

* * *

"Ah, Hachi-kun, have you been getting along with Ayase?" My father asks me once we were outside the house. The nerve of this man, still playing dumb when he knows I've already figured it out.

"Cut the crap, old man." I retort, anger overtaking me for a second. It takes me a moment to calm down. "Ayase, who is she really?" I demand, making it clear that I wouldn't be accepting any bullshit this time.

Instead of answering immediately, my father looks away and stares into the night sky. He sighs deeply. "Tell me, son, do you really want to know? I don't think you realize what this kind of knowledge can do to you. You might not think of your family in the same way ever again." He asks me gravely.

Admittedly, I was afraid of the answer. I had suspicions, but right now, those were just that: suspicions. But if I really do get the answer, would it really be worth it? The more I think about it, the more my will hardens. Yes, I do. Even if such an answer would damn my life, it was preferable than living a lie. I, who wants only the genuine, cannot choose any other option.

I nod. An oppressive and serious feeling descends upon us. I can't back out now. To do so would be to betray myself.

"Very well. Don't say I didn't I told you so." My father breathes deeply, as though remembering a memory long gone by. "You know that Ayase's mother, Akane, had been a close friend of mine for many years, right? Well, soon after you turned two, she and I discussed an outing together. Your mother and I…"

And so my old man told his story. A heavy feeling set in my stomach the more he continued it. All the little mistakes and faux-passé, he told them all, and with each one, the feeling became heavier and heavier. The weight was crushing me by the time he had recalled drinking alcohol.

It was a familiar scenario to anyone who had ever read anything related to romance. The protagonist would drink too much, and then…

"When I came to the next morning, it was to the feeling of two bodies pressed against me." That. "I was confused at first, seeing as memories of the last night wasn't coming back to me. I turned to my right, and I saw Akane." When my father admitted this, it seemed like my world was crashing down. I had never thought of my father as the kind of scum that would do this to his wife, my own mother.

"I was mortified then, but when even more so, when I turned to my left and saw it was your mother." Wait…

"What?!" I yelled, my eyes wide as I goggled at my father. My father… had a threesome? Wait, wait, wait! That isn't what usually happens, right?

My father turns away from me, scratching his cheek in… sheepishness? What the fuck? "That's right, I had a threesome with your mother and Ayase's mother." He whispers shyly. Oi, you shitty old man, those words are disgusting when it's coming from your mouth.

"So… mom knew?" I whispered weakly. Somehow, knowing that my old man was… well, man enough to have… that… well. Umm…

"Of course, she knew. She was the one who insisted on the open relationship, after all." Stop it! Please, you're trying to give me a heart attack, aren't you? As a parent, shouldn't you want to give your kids a long lifespan.

"Then… Ayase wasn't conceived that night?" Oi, mouth, I think you're forgetting the more important thing here. "That… wasn't a one night stand?" Better.

"Hachiman," somehow, him saying my full first name was worse than that embarrassing nickname right now, "it's only in novels where a man impregnates a woman in a one night stand." He says to me seriously. Oi, don't go acting all serious to me right now. This wasn't a serious situation, damn it! It's absurd, it's really absurd!

"T-then," I ask the question I would no doubt regret asking, "when did it end?"

Silence greeted me.

Oh.

"E-even now?" I stuttered.

"We just did it yesterday." That wasn't what I was asking from you, you shitty old man!

"I-I need to go to my room. I need to be alone for a while." I manage to say.

"Take as long as you like, Hachi-kun." He gives me a hopeful smile. What are you doing, giving me that kind of smile?

"Y-yeah." I took off at a run.

On my way to my room, I came across my mother and my aunt speaking with each other. Instantly, my face turned red as unbidden images of my father, my mother and my aunt doing… that.

Clearly, I wasn't running faster.

* * *

It's been years since I last wrote something, and it was during the years when I thought calling myself xxxFeignDeathxxx was acceptable. Now, I'm older, more experienced, and am having the biggest case of writer's block since never. I've been planning some stories for a while now, and so far, I found myself falling short. So, here's some crack I made instead.


End file.
